Every Thursday night, Tyler rolls the trashcans out to the
curb and parks them to the right of the driveway. And every Friday morning, the garbage men
empty the trashcans, and toss them haphazardly behind my minivan. And then I swear they then pull around the corner
to watch, because every Friday morning, I run over the trashcans.
With my van.
Every. Darn. Time.
Obviously, I don’t have a fancy car with those cool rearview
camera features. I drive a crap mobile van
that my children have made their mission to stink up and destroy, and I have
made my mission to drive into the ground.
I can’t even call it a Honda “Odyssey” anymore, because the little metal
sign identifying it as such fell off a couple of years ago. I think my van is embarrassed.
It’s not that I’m not paying attention, though. If anything, I’m hyper-aware of any potential
small children behind my reversing van, which is why I pull out super
slow. And probably why I run over the
trashcans super slow.
Every. Darn. Time.
Stupid blind spot.
Let’s face it – I’m just not on the lookout for large,
plastic trash receptacles when I’m driving my crap mobile van. I used to be a good driver, but then I had
four children. Now I’m the distracted
minivan mom weaving down the road whom the rest of you are trying to pass.
No, I don’t text and drive.
I rarely even talk on the phone and drive. But what I do do is chunk fast food and Happy
Meal toys at my children while hurtling down the highway at 65 mph. Why? BECAUSE
THEY ARE HUNGRY AND THEY WILL DIE IF THEY DON’T EAT RIGHT NOW!!
Or I am going 33 mph on a 40 mph
road because I’m busy hollering at the kids.
Usually because the girl pinched the boy who was looking at the other
girl cross-eyed and the third girl started yelling and then all of the girls announced
THEY WISH THEY DIDN’T HAVE A BABY BROTHER!!
Or I don’t hit the gas pedal the
exact second the light turns green
because I am trying to adjust the volume on the radio to just the right point
so that it’s basically too loud for the tender-ears in the back, but too soft
for the deaf kids in the front. That way, EVERYONE IS UNHAPPY!!
So yes, I am the driver that the
rest of you hate – and occasionally make rude gestures towards.
Fortunately, and by the grace of
God, I have not had an accident. Outside
of the neighborhood. Inside the
neighborhood is a different story, though.
Of course, there are those darn trashcans. And… the mailboxes.
Now, I’ve only hit three mailboxes. And really, I only count two,
since I hit my own twice. The first
time, I was pulling into the driveway at a weird angle because I was simultaneously
distracted by the kids and trying to AVOID THE TRASHCANS. And since I didn’t do enough damage to the crap
mobile van that first time, I went back for a second round. An estimated $1,500 second round. (Look, the side door still
opens. It even closes sometimes. I am NOT forking over $1,500.)
The other mailbox was totally not my fault. Anyone will tell you that it sticks way out in
the road. Granted, I may have taken the
curve a little fast because I was late getting the children to school, but that’s
beside the point. I hit the mailbox and
knocked my right-side mirror clean off.
And because that wasn’t enough, I ran
over it with my back right tire. Yeah, that one we had to fix.
So trashcans. Mailboxes.
Oh, and that concrete support-thingy in the parking garage. But that time it was Tyler distracting me, not
the kids. He kept yelling (“Watch out!” I
later discovered) and I turned to look at him.
Luckily, the mechanic hammered that dent out as a freebie. After my third oil change, he told me he was
tired of looking at it.
If only my garbage collectors were
as kind as my mechanic. Of course, collecting
trash is kind of monotonous. I’m
probably their only source of weekly entertainment. It’s kind of like I’m provided them a service. I wonder if I can get any sort of discount
for that? I could really use the money for
car repairs.