Are You Smarter Than a 4-Year Old?

First-born children are bossy, controlling, picky and perfectionistic. Also, they are never wrong. I can actually say this with a degree of certainty, because I am the oldest of three children, and I am bossy, controlling, picky and perfectionistic. (You can ask my husband. I'm pretty sure he'll back me up.) The problem with being a first-born mother with these qualities, however, is that I often butt heads with my own first-born, Ella - who is all of those things I just listed. And like any number of eldest children, she is also never wrong.

The secret to never being wrong, by the way, is recognizing that it's more important to use the right tactic than to actually be right. For many first-borns, this means confronting disagreeable truths with a loud voice. Ella is VERY LOUD.

Ella actually "found her voice" (which is her Nana's generous term) when she was only four months old. I have the first scream on video tape, because she introduced it at her baby dedication in front of 40 guests. Don't blow me off, by the way, because I am well aware that most babies scream. But this scream was so ear-piercingly high-pitched that it could shatter glass. And she would do it over and over and over and over again, for hours on end. Most of the time she did it to show displeasure, but sometimes she did it when she was happy. And sometimes she did it just because she could. As a result, I couldn't take my otherwise portable baby anywhere. I certainly didn't risk walking through the china department at Macy's. (Think of the carnage!) Of course, I was also afraid that I was going to lose my mind. I asked everybody I could find for a solution: my mother, other mothers, grandmothers, neighbors, nurses, pediatricians, pastors, and even a family therapist.

Despite the blank stares I got from most of these child-rearing professionals, Ella did eventually outgrow The Scream. What she didn't outgrow was her need to be heard. I remember a day just this last fall, when Ella was being exceptionally loud and domineering. My mother was in the car with me, and we were on our way home from picking Ella up at pre-school. It turns out that listening and sharing can be pretty exhausting for a child who is used to being in control, so the drive home from pre-school is always packed with drama. Whether it's screaming for her Veggie Tales CD, snatching books away from her sisters, or kicking her chair, it's always a grueling ride. On this particular day, my mom was trying to distract Ella with all the points of interest we were passing, but my daughter would have none of it:

“Look, Ella! There’s a horse!”

“NO, MIMI!" Ella shouted back. THAT'S A COW! I WANT MY CD!”

“Oh." Then pointing to a fire truck, Mimi called out, "Ella, here comes a fire truck!”

“NO, MIMI! THAT'S A SCHOOL BUS! I WANT MY CD!

We actually did pass a school bus a few minutes later, and, trying to be amenable, Mimi called out, "Look Ella! That must be a fire truck!"

"NO, MIMI! THAT'S A SCHOOL BUS! I WANT MY CD!"

Realizing at this point that she'd lost the distraction game, Mom sighed and flipped on the CD we can both sing in our sleep. The rest of the drive home was silent, save the harmonious vocal blending of a cucumber and a tomato singing "If You're Happy and You Know It."

Ella turned four last week, and nearly a year has passed since that memorable ride home. Ella is still loud, and strongly opinionated, but I've noticed that the passage of time is making her smarter. Last fall, she knew how to get a point across, but she wasn't always right. (The subtle distinctions between cows and horses, fire trucks and school buses escaped her.) This year, however, she is loud and accurate.

I came to this realization at the pool a few nights ago when I overheard Ella telling her sisters to "SWIM LIKE BIRDIES! COM'ON GIRLS, LET'S SWIM IN THE WATER LIKE BIRDIES."

"Ella," I said, "I think you mean fish. 'Let's swim in the water like fish.' Birds don't really swim."

"PENGUINS DO!"

Hmmmm. The kid's right. Time to back off on the Baby Einstein DVD's.

A similar situation occurred recently in the parking lot of a medical center, where I was yelling at Ella. "Let's hurry up, girl! We're in the middle of the street. Ella. Ella! There's a car coming! Get moving!"

"NO! WE ARE NOT! WE ARE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!"

I was totally exasperated. "Yes, Ella, we are in the middle of the street. I think I know what a street is. Now move!!!"

"NO, MOMMY! WE ARE NOT IN A STREET! WE ARE IN A PARKING LOT!"

Huh. Right again.

Now I'm starting to wonder if our intellect peaks at four and then begins the slow descent into stupidity. I remember a time back when, like Ella, I knew it all. But it seems the older I get, the less I know. I should be smart enough not to engage my child in these ridiculous exchanges, but I just can't help it. I'm a first-born. I am never wrong.