Hey, I'm not late posting my "Not Me! Monday" post. Nope, not me. I'm never late.
That certainly wasn't me at the grocery store last week, buying fresh donuts at the bakery counter. I'm watching my weight, so I don't need to buy donuts. I prefer carob-chip cookies and sugar free ice cream. So obviously, that wasn't me you saw in the produce section reach into the donut bag and wipe out two chocolate-frosted delights. First of all, that would be a disgusting lack of self-control. And secondly, it would be embarrassing for me to have to pay the lady at the checkout counter for an empty bakery bag. She'd probably give me an odd look and shake her head. So I'm glad I didn't do anything like that.
For sure, I would never take my children to a free summer kids show like "Bee Movie" and cry at the end when, you know, Barry the Bee unites the bees of Manhattan to re-pollinate all the flowers in the city. It would be ridiculous to need a Kleenex for something as cheesy and predictable as that. Of course, it would also be ridiculous for me to spoil the end of the show for everybody who hasn't seen "Bee Movie" yet.
So glad I didn't do that.
You know that wasn't me at the park on Saturday with my four kids, either. I don't lie around on a picnic blanket and block out my kids' screaming by staring blankly up at the clouds. I certainly didn't tell Emily to drop trow and go pee-pee behind a tree because I didn't want to have to pack up and go find a bathroom. That would irresponsible and unsanitary.
And thank heavens I would never, ever rip my shirt off and run around topless in my backyard. What an embarrassing situation that could be for my father-in-law if he was, say, working in the side yard and saw me. After all, I've seen "Bee Movie." I know that when a bee flies down my shirt, it doesn't mean any harm. Stinging a person - even when angry - shows the rest of the bee world an embarrassing lack of self-control. So it's a good thing that bee didn't sting me and I didn't have to streak my neighbors.
It's nice to know that bees and I have that it common: a sense of decency and self-control. It's not helpful for writing humorous blog posts, but it sure makes me feel good. I think I'll go reward myself with a nice big glass of rice milk...
4 comments:
I am so glad you didn't flash my dad! How embarrassing! And I'm so glad you would never let your children pee-pee behind a tree! That is just wrong. And the donuts? For heaven sakes, who in their right mind would do that? Definitely not me (especially when I'm pregnant, and we're talking about Publix chocolate glazed bakery donuts....I would never...).
I'm glad you did not do all those silly things. I mean, after all, you are the example for 4 of the quietest, most demure, laid back, gentle,compliant children ever.....not me, I didn't just say that!!!!!! Lily :) (By the way, I wouldn't change them one single bit, not for all the tea in China, and you know I love tea!)
Fantastic! I will warn you that when you guys come down here, Andrew will only serve to reinforce the "drop trow" concept. He has a few "favorite" places around our front and back yards, and I'm sure he'd be happy to give the girls a tour of the best outside places to go pee. I consider it part of my incredible parenting skills that most of his potty places outside are discreet and cannot be easily seen by the neighbors. We choose our battles...
Did I tell you how much this post made me laugh? Seriously, I think a perfect morning is an amazing quiet time, a good cup of coffee, and your blog...which is why I have not had a perfect morning since July 21st. Please stop being a good, attentive mother and get typing! :)
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